We are members of visible systems such as family, organization, clubs, federation, so on, so forth. Beyond that is an invisible system which is only to be experienced but not seen. That is called the phenomenological approach to life.
Let’s double click. We join our family systems at birth, belong there and eventually leave upon separation or death. Similar is the case for organizational and other systems as well. The experience of joining, belonging, and leaving needs to be managed carefully as its impact will extend beyond a lifetime. You must be wondering here. The answer lies in ‘systemic balance’. A self-governing – invisible system that governs all the visible systems that we discussed above. It is concerned with equity and balance.
Bert Hellinger did ‘see that’. His pioneering work on family constellations was based on making invisible, visible. Hellinger’s systemic work is further extended by a few others – notably by Klaus P. Horn and John Whittington. John highlights the 3 needs of a ‘system’ in his book Systemic Coaching & Constellations:
– Need to feel safe
– Need to belong
– Need for recognition
When these needs are met, there is a systemic balance. Peace and happiness prevail in the family system, organizational system or any other that you might be a part of.
We are living in such times where peace and happiness are becoming rare experiences. Calmness seems to be precious and chaos is about to become a norm.
Look at your life-work, and reflect. How are you receiving safety, belongingness and recognition from others and, how are you providing these to others? If there’s imbalance in ‘giving and receiving’ any of these needs, it will reflect upon your emotions in the spectrum of anger, frustration, unease, irritability, and few more.
Remember, emotions are the messengers of needs. How do you address it? Offering a diagnostic tool. It is like – a blood test can reveal presence or absence of vitals that indicate illness – like that, conversations can represent lifeblood of our human systems. So, it will show up in the conversations whether these needs are balanced or not. Both, as a giver or receiver. That is where the crux of your pain and joy resides.
Let us start with self-reflection. Look at the conversations you are having with yourself. At this moment or, most of the times. Are your self-talks making you feel safe, increase your own belongingness, or do foster self-recognition? Or is it otherwise? Here is the problem. If your conversations with yourself make you starve for these basic needs, you will do the same with others. Making others feel unsafe, not belong, derecognized.
Conversations are the most powerful force that human systems have. It has the power to create or destroy everything.
Pay attention to the words that you use, the tone that is attached to it and the impact it can have on acceptance or rejection. In this space, we shall continue to explore the power of conversations from time to time. In the meantime, reflect on these 3 basic needs, its impact on your inner and outer world as well as how do you take care of these needs of others.
I would like to thank you for joining me here, we will take care of belongingness of each other and perhaps, never leave each other and if we must, without disturbing these 3 needs that we discussed above.
Let us know your reflections and actions if you would like to. See you again here, soon.
